Fancy Pants Elitists
My Children Shall Rule the World
I think you all know that I have always dreamed of world domination. If I only had a little more ambition I think I would make an excellent benevolent dictator. But let’s face it I am probably well past my window of opportunity. Most of your great world conquerors were already the chieftain, emperor, president or chancellor of something by the time they reached my age. I am enough of a realist to give up on these childhood fantasies of "crushing my enemies, seeing them driven before me and hearing the lamentations of their women and children." I guess the only way the name McCormick will ever fill the hearts and minds of the cowering population with fear and dread is for me to reproduce.
I know I am not what you would call a great candidate for fatherhood. My self absorption. My lack of patience. My intolerance of people. My distrust of anyone under 5 feet tall. Yet I feel it is these very attributes which would make me the ideal father figure for a budding despot. And it seems to me that with a little neglect and just the right amount of gentle instruction in politics and rhetoric, I could create quite a nice little world conqueror.
I can just see my child now, bright eyes, full rich commanding voice and a head full of just the right mix of paranoia and a need for world order. This little tyrant would be the perfect combination of the power hunger born of never really getting the love they needed when they were growing-up, and precise thinking.
I know my desire for world domination may not be enough to get the little one up and ruling the world. After a careful study of what it takes to be a world conqueror I think I have five simple rules for raising a budding despot:
1. The child’s name is very important. No one with the name of Amy, Mason, or Warren will ever take over anything. The name needs to be strong yet hard enough to live with that they will be constantly battling schoolmates because their name sounds funny. Stick with the classics, no need to reinvent the wheel. Napoleon, Julius, and Khan are all acceptable.
2. Toys are the way children learn to emulate their adult role models. Little tykes with their toy kitchens and toolsets will grow up to be little homemakers and mechanics. None of that nonsense for my Napoleon. A small podium, a large globe and a pony for my kid. Why a pony? Everyone knows that kids with ponies grow up to feel entitled and that the world is merely a playground for their petty whims and dreams of conquest.
3. Day care is for the weak. Leaving a child with a large dog does two things which are vital to the development of a child just unbalanced enough to want to rule the world. It teaches them to master their environment and to fear large dogs' which everyone knows is a good lesson to learn and helps build a healthy life-long paranoia.
4. Uniforms, whether their school requires them or not. There is nothing flashier than a six-year-old in a pair of jackboots.
5. Force the child to have wealthy and popular friends who look down on them for their having crazy parents and a wacky wardrobe. No one ever ruled the world because they were liked as a child.
I think you can all tell that I have a pretty clear picture of what my child will need to succeed in this world. And if Child Protective Services will keep their noses out of my business, we can all look forward to a bright future ruled in a truly benevolent yet firm manner. Hugs and kisses.
